OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
