Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
