Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
