he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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