Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
