I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
