how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
