I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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