Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
