I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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