I cannot find my penis.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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