I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
