Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
