Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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