So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
