i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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