Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
