i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
