at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
