it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
