do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
