yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
