I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
