oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
