I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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