my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
