I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
