yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
