she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
