I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
