She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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