my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
