do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
