i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
