Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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