i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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