So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
