is your mom at the bar?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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