Swine flu. Run for my life!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
