Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
