Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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