some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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