I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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