like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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