So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
