I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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