so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
