my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
