I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
