her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
