Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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