Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
