remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
